First, we want to thank everyone for all the calls, texts,
letters and words of encouragement after our first post. We were, and still are,
completely overwhelmed! Your prayers mean more to us than you’ll ever know.
It’s been hard for me to get the courage to post again. I
think I’m mostly afraid of what people are going to think. What they’re going
to say about me. Everyone already knows our decision, but what will they say
when they read my post. But I know God laid it on my heart to start this blog,
to share our story and to give Him all the honor and glory.
Let me first say that coming to a decision for Harry & I
wasn’t easy, as I’m sure you can imagine. It wasn’t something we knew from the
beginning. You see, when we found out the diagnosis (acrania) of our sweet baby,
we scheduled a D&C (dialation and curettage) the very next morning at
8:00am. My doctor recommended it and that was my first reaction. Lets get this
over. I don’t want to go on like this the rest of the weekend. It was the easy
route. I was going to ‘terminate’ my pregnancy tomorrow (Sep 26 2014).
I left Dr. Million’s office and went to have lab work done
and register for my procedure. My baby was still alive, so my doctor had to
write on my paperwork “fetal demise.” North Florida Regional Medical Center doesn’t
do elective abortions. Everyone thought I had miscarried. They were all so
sweet and kind while registering me.
We came home that evening in shock and still trying to
process everything. We received lots of phone calls that night and some family
members came by to love on us and to pray with us. Around 10:30pm that night
Harry made the comment, “maybe we should wait and pray about our decision over
the weekend.” After lots of tears, I agreed. I had already made up my mind that
I would still go through with the D&C, but since he was my husband and
asked us to wait a few days, I agreed. He made a phone call to the on-call
doctor (Dr. Marichal) that night, explained our situation, and asked if we
could have more time in making our decision. Dr. Marichal was very sensitive to
our situation and told us to take as much time as we needed. Throughout the
weekend there were lots and lots of tears and tons of praying and reading.
On Monday (Sep 29 2014) I called my doctor and asked if we
could come in and talk with her some more. We had a lot of questions without
answers. What are my risks if we decide to carry? What are the risks for the
baby? Will the baby suffer throughout the 9 months? What are the chances I’ll
go full term? We were still trying to understand our world with acrania. Dr.
Million was able to see us that afternoon and answered our questions as best as
she could. In nearly 18 years or practice Dr. Million has never seen a case of
acrania. She suggested that we also talk with Dr. Fareed (specialist) again. On
Tuesday (Sep 30 2014) we met with Dr. Fareed and asked her the same questions.
From day one, each time we spoke with one of these doctors, their words were
always, “whatever decision you make is the right decision.” Dr. Million
suggested that if we were going to terminate the pregnancy that we do so during
the first trimester. That gave us about 2 weeks to make a decision.
Needless to say, the next 2 weeks were THE hardest days of
our life. It’s hard to put into words what I felt. I have never felt such hurt,
brokenness, confusion, and doubt. My first instinct was to have a D&C. That
would be the easiest and quickest way to get this over with. I questioned everyday,
how will I survive the next 7 months? What if something happens to me? I do
have another child that needs a mother. Is he/she going to be in pain the next
7 months? How will I give birth knowing he/she may not even be alive for a
minute? How will I handle he/she not leaving the hospital with me? And the hardest
of all, how will I survive burying my child?
So, I continued to pray, and Harry prayed with us every night. Asking
God for wisdom, a direction, and a peace that passes all understanding. Harry
and I didn’t talk a lot about it over those two weeks. Honestly, what was there
for me to say? We both knew our answer needed to come from the Lord. We had, I
believe, 2 days before I had to call the doctor’s office and make my decision.
Finally, that night, I told Harry I thought we should carry through with the
pregnancy. I was, and still am, scared to death. But I knew in my heart that is
what God wanted. Harry did as well.
We believe God has a plan. He knew all of this before I even
conceived. We believe this is a part of our story. He wants to use us to be a witness
for Him. We knew that we were the only way for our baby to have a chance at
life. I’m currently reading a book called, “A Gift of Time: Continuing Your
Pregnancy When Your Baby’s Life Is Expected to Be Brief.” A mother is quoted
saying, “How could we terminate this pregnancy and then pray to God to become
pregnant again? With a perfect baby next time, please.” Those words were like a
slap in the face to me when I first read them, but now they’re words of
comfort. Simple, yet true. Every time I ever have a doubt now, I think of those
words.
We know that not everyone agrees with our decision, and
that’s okay. We don’t ask that you agree with us, we just ask that you continue
praying for us. Pray for the health of our baby, the health of myself, wisdom for
my doctors and nurses, and strength and peace for my family to get through each
day.
Oh, and for all you wondering, we have been back to the
doctor since we made our decision. Dr. Million was very supportive and
positive. She has been open and honest with us but also willing to research and
do as much as she can to help us. Baby Hatcher had a great heartbeat of 150 bpm
at that appointment. J We will continue monthly visits with Dr.
Million, Lord willing!
